Plan A and Plan B

One of life's mysteries is the challenge to pursue passions and find a fulfilling vocation. These days, I would take pretty much any job as long as it wasn't miserable and did not involve food. I've been lucky enough to avoid the greasy burgers and the quadruple, grande, nonfat, lattes, with whip cream and chocolate sauce on top, although in the past, I've been desperate enough to take a job at American Eagle. It was a glamorous job; I pretended to fold the same pair of jeans over and over again for eight hours. My boss didn't pay us for meetings and took down the counter on the door so our sales quota looked better. The perks--all employees got free movie tickets once and Cinnabon was next door...Nice. There are few jobs I have had so far that I consider worthwhile; most of them are just summer jobs.

I have always had a life plan. When I was younger, I wanted to be a professional soccer player, a teacher, and an artist. In pre-school, I was voted most likely to be the first female president. Once I was in junior high, I decided I wanted to be an archaeologist. Then I read a travel book on the pyramids and Egypt and realized that everything noteworthy had already been discovered. When I was finishing high school, I decided that because painting wasn't a real job--at least I didn't think so at the time--I would go to film school and become a documentary filmmaker. Film did interest me and undoubtedly, I would be content if I attained enough influence and esteem to make a difference with documentaries. However, it was my plan B, my safety. I have since then discovered that my plan B is one of the most difficult fields to succeed in. What happened to plan A and why did I never even consider pursuing it?

Honestly, I want to be a painter. I don't know for sure what I want to paint, with what medium or with what message. All I know for certain is that painting is the only thing in this entire world with which I cannot find a single flaw. Or maybe it is just that the flaws do not trump the joy that it brings me. I know I will always be a painter, but I want to make my living creating and painting.

My favorite quote: "You must get your living by loving" -Henry David Thoreau, A life Without Principle. And yet, I fail to live by this mantra. In asking myself what is holding me back from realizing my dream, my potential, and my fulfilling career answers come easily. It is the fear that my parents will be angry for paying for a wasted education (wasted in their eyes). It is the fear that I won't be good enough. Can I get into grad school? Do I have enough perseverance to try for the next twenty years even without any possible success? Can I really make enough money to make rent?

I ask myself these questions and contemplate my fears constantly, all the while, fooling myself that I still might find a position I enjoy in the film world. I do not regret going to film school. I have learned invaluable lessons about color, framing, composition, technology, story, character development, and photography, which all apply to painting. However, I cannot help but wonder what my life would be like if I had gone to art school.

I am currently making more money painting and getting more work in painting then I am in film. It scares me because I am not putting as much effort into film making as I should. Instead of one-hundred percent, I'm giving eighty-five.

Time will tell. In the next three years, as I graduate and move into the working world, my life will drastically change. The different paths that could be taken are not even fully apparent yet. For now, I have resolved not to make a senior film this year. Rather, I am going to be focusing on a mentorship and trying to find a position in film that uses my painting skills. Ideally, I could meld my two worlds of film and painting, combine my plan A and plan B.

I have always been a planner, but for the first time in my life I have no plan. Until I graduate, I am trying to take one step at a time. When my family pretends I am already Steven Spielberg or acquaintances ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I simply tell them, "I have no clue what I want to do with my life". I'm tired of constricting and cornering myself into an unchanging, inflexible box. I shouldn't have to decide on one thing and give it a name.

When I was little I wanted to be many things. I still want to be and do many things in my life. Currently, I am satisfied with being a student, a painter, a fire dancer, and a documentary filmmaker. Hopefully in the future, I will figure out how to make my living by loving.